And Sayonara to 35
I haven’t written much these days. Not for myself. Not for this blog. I spend a fair amount of time thinking about writing, but I just haven’t had the discipline to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. I’ve been hurting too much and haven’t had the courage to bear my soul anymore.
In a few short hours, it will be my birthday. 35 has been the hardest, most painful year of my life. This time last year I was proudly bearing my baby bump, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little girl.
Because Poppy died, my life will never be the same. I am a different person. My mind, scared by the trauma, returns to her loss over and over. My heart aches for her, for what will never be. I don’t know what this next year has in store for me. I don’t have expectations, just hope that I’ll make it through each day and with a little help from my friends.
I want to write more. But not just about my grief. I’m so ridiculously sick of this grief. Sick of these tears. Sick of this sadness. Sick of missing my daughter every minute of every day.
So, in honor of my birthday and this fresh, new year, I’m going to allow myself to write about other things. I’m not sure what will happen, but I’m open to the possibility that shifting my focus will open my heart. Lately, I’ve been shutting down and I’m over it.
So Happy F-ing Birthday to me. Let’s see what I can make of it.
With Love, Katie